It’s not unusual in our executive coaching to come across comments such as “I’m fed up with his micromanaging!”, “I want to make sure they do it right!”, “I need to make sure my group doesn’t make any mistakes!”, “I’m tired of solving everyone else’s problems!”, “I have to stay on top of them!”, “As the head of this organization, I’m getting exhausted working 24/7!”. The litany of comments like this are endless.

We find that leaders often don’t hold their people ‘Big’. Allowing their staff to tackle the concerns they own and to learn from the consequences of their decisions, using this learning to grow, become even stronger performers and contributors, and as a result more satisfied.

What happens more often than not is that the leaders not only holds themselves ‘Small’, unfortunately they also hold their people ‘Small’. Meaning, they interfere by giving them ’solutions’ to their presenting problems, not allowing them to stumble, fall, get up and try it again until they successfully work it out, allowing them to mature as individuals and professionals.

It’s similar to raising a child. If you insist on ensuring they not run, fall, eat a little dirt, bump their heads, experience life . . . what normal kids do . . . this will only contribute to retarding their growth and development. We’re not talking about letting them get into serious trouble. That’s a given.

Rather, it’s about letting them experience normal day-to-day challenges and allowing them to learn from the consequences of their choices. From these life experiences they mature and grow into healthy, reasonably well balanced adults (god willing).

The same is true for leaders working with their staff. The choice is about either holding people ‘Big’ or holding them ‘Small’. The benefits of the former are clearly obvious once we think about leadership in this way.

Recently a good friend and colleague, Jake Jacobs, and I had a discussion on this very topic. Jake is a leader in the field of organization development, a noted author of cutting edge books on large-scale real-time strategic change and the Principal of The Winds of Change Group out of Marina del Rey, California. We continue having very rich conversations around potential synergies between Jake’s large-scale work and our executive/corporate coaching. You’re invited to listen to our most recent conversation on the subject of leaders holding their people ‘Big’ or ‘Small’. Enjoy!

    Click here to listen to our discussion!

 What’s been your experience on this? What are your insights? How might you leverage your learning? What is it you would like to do with this? We always enjoy getting your thought and feelings. Take care!

We often work with executives and leaders who experience enormous amounts of stress at work. As they say, ‘the closer to the top you get, the closer to the door you get’. In the compensation world, their total compensation is influenced by the size of the ulcers that go with the job. It’s also referred to as being in the grip. We’re sure you’ve  gotten our point .

Naomi Quenk wrote a wonderful primer called ‘In the Grip: Understanding Type, Stress, and the Inferior Function’ based on the personality type theory developed by Swiss psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung. As Naomi mention’s in her work, Jung’s theory was refined and put into accessible form by Isabel Briggs Myers and Katharine Briggs, who developed the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® (MBTI®) personality inventory.

As part of working with and addressing the issues when each of us feels caught In the Grip, it behooves us to take a little time to answer some questions. Being completely authentic and honest with yourself goes a long way in helping you deepen your understanding of the way you think, behave and remedy the causes that trigger in the grip  reactions. When you partner with a qualified executive coach, you’ll receive amazing insights and the ability to extricate yourself from this potentially devastating situation.

Naomi puts forward that there may very well be times when you feel or behave quite differently from the way you normally do. In other words, the way you see and react to everyday events at work is so unlike you that others you work with would describe you as “not being yourself,” “someone else” or simply “in the grip”. So here’s the invitation, try to think about how you are when you are most like yourself and how you are different when you are least like yourself by answering the following suggested questions from Naomi:

•  What are you like when you are most yourself? That is, what qualities best describe you or define you as an individual? For example, you might describe yourself as typically optimistic, careful with details, concerned about others, future oriented, and so on.  
• What are you like when you are not yourself-how are you different from your usual way of being?  
• What events or circumstances are likely to provoke the reactions and changes you experience?  
• What can you or others do to help the return process?  
• What can you or others do to hinder the return process?  
• What aspects of your work life are most satisfying and energizing?  
• What aspects of your work life are most dissatisfying and stressful?  
• How do you typically deal with chronic stress?   
• What new things have you learned about yourself as a result of your out-of-character experiences?

We have worked with many executive clients who have successfully addressed being caught in the grip.  Because of the great results  they’ve been able to experience, we thought you too would find the foregoing of interest. What was your take away? On a scale of 1 – 10 where is your stress level (1 = none, 10 = let me out of here!)? What’s your next step? We would enjoy hearing your thoughts and feelings. Take care.

“I can’t believe what he’s doing! We had an understanding within our leadership group that essentially says that if any of us, including our boss, were to consider making decisions that directly impact the rest of us, we would consult with each other first. The whole idea was to assure understanding, ownership and the opportunity to increase chances of success for any initiatives we advanced in our organization. Damn it, did that ever change.” said Kathy, the Chief Information Technology officer of a large software development firm.

“So what happened?” I asked. “Well he just went out and hired a new Human Resource Director without touching base with any of us. Not only that, the individual has now been with us eleven months and has been a total net drain on our resources instead of being a net contributor. We’ve tried to go for a ‘walk in the desert with Mike, our CEO, but he seems to be avoiding the blinding glimpse of the obvious for the rest of the leadership team.” Kathy then emphatically stated, “It’s just not working out and Mike just doesn’t see it!”

It sounds like a possible example of ‘escalating commitment’ on Mike’s part.” I responded. “Can you tell me more about what you mean?” Kathy asked. “Well,” I went on, “It would appear that Mike has made a decision to hire this person based on what clearly seemed very rational to him at the time. Unfortunately, he didn’t consult with you and the rest of the leadership team to assure the successful transition for the individual into your organization as would have normally been expected. This apparent lack of expected consultation has exacerbated the situation.”

“Does this make any sense so far?” I inquired. “Absolutely”, Kathy replied, “Please go on.”  ”Given what you’ve shared thus far about the HR Director’s performance to date and her inability to fit in with your team, Mike has continued to escalate his commitment to the original decision even though things have changed considerably.” I then asked, “What do you think is behind this given your knowledge of Mike and the situation?” 

“Personally”, Kathy went on, “I feel Mike’s ego has gotten in his way and he’s simply digging the hole deeper for himself and the HR Director. If he doesn’t get on top of this, and soon, he will lose a lot of credibility with the rest of the team . . . not to mention his boss Frank. I think the rest of the team feels that what Mike really needs to do now is to stop sinking any deeper before it’s too late, pull the plug out, get back on hard ground by revisiting his decision given the changed circumstances. It would not only be fair to the organization, to Mike himself, but particularly to the individual in question who is no doubt experiencing a lot of pain and anguish herself.”

“Given your thoughts and feelings so far, what is it you think needs to be done?” I asked Kathy. “It’s pretty clear that a number of us need to connect with Mike and encourage him in a very honest and supportive way to address this directly and create some kind of win-win solution for the organization and the individual before it deteriorates any further.” 

“By when I asked.” “Given the sense of urgency, we need to do this by the end of the week.” “How will ‘we’ know it’s been done in follow up?” “I’ll send you an email right after we meet with Mike. Will that work?” Kathy quickly responded. “Sounds like a plan to me my friend. Let me know if I can be of further service in your making this happen successfully.”

“By the way, what’s the concept we just talked about called? It clearly described this situation in a nut-shell.” asked Kathy. “It sometimes referred to as ‘escalation of commitment’ or ‘irrational escalation’, as well as ‘commitment bias,” I shared.

Have you observed escalating commitment in your organization? Is this a personal Achilles Heal? Your observations and opinions are most valued.

“I really don’t like doing it!” claimed Frank, the Senior Vice President, Business Development with a large corporate leader in the energy business. “Doing what?” I asked. “Control. I hate finding myself in the position to have to control my direct reports. It just doesn’t feel right.”

“So what do you want to do?” was my response. “There must be some other way!” Frank said in frustration (always a green light for my executive coaching). “Do you remember when we talked about the four key components of management a few weeks ago?” I inquired. “Yeah, I do” stated Frank. “So what were they?” I followed up.

“Well, if I can remember the first was good old planning. Then, I believe the next was getting organized around supporting the plan. Oh yeah, next was leading. This is about truly caring and creating the environment for my troops so that they become more motivated to make it all successfully happen, thus driving up their work effort resulting in high quality performance . The last component was about control. OK, now I remember, it’s about controlling the plan, not my people. I know you really emphasized this last piece when we previously discussed this. Man, I’ve got to really get this into the marrow of my leadership bones. It’s about controlling the plan and motivating my people!”

“Great on you my friend for getting this clear. Around the motivating piece, here’s a small gift that might help you. As I’ve said many times in our past coaching conversations, you can either keep it or throw it in the garbage. I’m never attached to gifts given to you. This particular one has worked well for both myself and many of my executive clients. By the way, I’ve been unable to identify who the author of this is, but here it goes.” 

HEALTHY CARING IS  

I can listen to you without interrupting

Because I am in a working relationship with you, I choose to listen to you and see how my behavior impacts you  

I will not control and manipulate you to get what I want

I will not punish you for saying “no” to me  

I will not fear your rejection. I understand that “no” to me is a “yes” to you. I truly care about you. I want you to take care of yourself  

If you end up leaving our group . . . the organization . . . I will experience definite discomfort and I know that I, we, can still be satisfied here without your valued support 

I will not ask you to give up who you are to be cared by me

Your security, satisfaction and development will be as important to me as my security, satisfaction and development

I will not try to take away your feelings or rob you of them so I can be comfortable

So there you have it dear reader, all of us are continually in choice as to how we relate! So what was the blinding glimpse of the obvious for you, your team, your organization in the above? I would love to hear your thoughts and gain your perspective. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

“My boss has unbelievable expectations!” “ Nobody in my group is stepping up and I’m having to carry the day constantly!” “ The economy has gone to hell in a hand-basket and I’m forced by the organization to work 24 – 7 !” “ My clients are pushing back hard on our rates and they just don’t understand what it takes to service them!”  These and similar comments are shared with us in our executive coaching more often than you may believe.

It’s simply one perspective our client has chosen. Although they don’t know it, they can create and chose other perspectives on the situation they’re wrestling with at any time. They simply are not aware that they are always in choice each and every nano-second of their lives and that includes alternatve ways to view and address their presenting circumstances.

Often, one of the key reasons our executive clients come to executive coaching  is to engage a competent partner who will be of service in their further developing the ability to powerfully create , understand and position themselves to choose other perspectives regarding the same issue.  Then they can decide what they want to do about it, by when and what success would look like when they hold themselves accountable for making it happen.

In the meantime they have chosen the victim perspective and as a result  simply get stuck there. This can be very disconcerting.

Neil Donald Walsh wrote the following on being a victim. It’s a superb observation on this common personal dilemma. 

A VICTIM 

Nothing happens

that  you do not want to have happen. 

Nothing! 

You can imagine that things happen 

that you do not want to happen, 

but this is not what is so, 

and it merely allows you 

to think of yourself as a victim. 

Nothing holds you back

  in your evolution 

more than this single thought. 

The idea of victimization 

is a certain sign 

of limited perception, 

True victimization 

cannot exist! 

So do you see yourself as victim from time to time? What are the alternative perspectives? Which do you choose . . . to be a victim or . . . . . . (you fill in the blank)? Remember it’s all about you, it’s not about them! I’d love to hear your observations, reactions and/or insights. Have a wonderful day!