The following is the first blog Bev and I wrote a few years ago. Because this particular concept is explored with so many of our global executive coaching clients we decided to republish it because of the demand. When the opportunity invites itself to introduce this concept to our executive coaching clients the reaction is initially and understandably skeptical. Then within a very short period of time we typically hear the following feedback: “The 3 Yous’ has literally, substantively and positively changed my professional and personal life! I just wish I had of known this years ago. It would have saved me a lot of personal pain & anguish, not to mention that of my people . . . and my family.” Enjoy the read.

Brad had come a very long way. He had bottomed out as a result of losing his senior leadership position with a large corporation, navigated through a difficult divorce, and depleted most of his hard earned resources. Through shear determination, persistence and hard work throughout our executive coaching, he was able to replenish his burned through assets and reestablish himself in an even more successful and fulfilling career. Brad had achieved the ability to powerfully connect with and truly accept himself. This also contributed dramatically to doing the same with others in his life and in his new leadership role. He discovered his true purpose in life and built the confidence required to address the challenges that will present themselves in the next phase of his personal and professional journey.

In one of our weekly executive coaching calls Brad exclaimed, “You know Bob, I’m now ready to explore a relationship with someone special in my life and I’m not sure what the next steps are. Can we go there now?” What we ended up doing was to work through clarifying what that special lady would be like when she showed up in his life. Having accomplished this, Brad shared that “this was a great exercise to go through, but how and where do I find her?” We discussed this at length, and then I said, “What if you now put this on the backburner for the time being and get on with the life and career you’ve now created.” At first his response was incredulous, and asked “Why did I do all this work to just put it aside.” My instinctive response was, “trust me my friend, that special lady will show up and tap you on the shoulder when you absolutely least expect it.”

I simply trusted my intuition. Because of the deep relationship we had developed during our coaching relationship, he agreed and carried on with his other work and personal priorities. Guess what? Just as you would have expected, he literally bumped into her 3 months later at a social event. In one of our calls at the time, he showed up completely energized, exuberant, over the moon, saying . . . . “She showed up and she’s exactly what I’ve been looking for.”  But! Isn’t there always abut involved? Four months into their relationship Brad showed up on a coaching call and was clearly not his normal upbeat self. With some delicate probing, he shared that “my girlfriend and I had been discussing where they might go out for dinner the previous evening. I asked her where she wanted to go. She then asked me where I wanted to go. I said anywhere where you want to go. Then she blew up at me dumped all over me, accusing me of not ever stating my own preferences.”

He went on to say, “I’m not sure this is going to really work out (between us)!” This was toward the end of our call where I typically leave my clients with an inquiry-a powerful question-for them to explore and write their thoughts down to be shared at our next scheduled coaching session. For Brad the inquiry I left was “What’s in the fear my friend?” I simply trusted my intuition and blurted it out. He found this question viscerally intriguing and agreed to work with it. Our follow up meeting was amazing for both Brad and me (I am constantly learning from my clients). I asked Brad, “So let’s visit the answer to the inquiry I left you.” He very calmly and confidently said that “The inquiry turned my life around.”

Now I was actually taken aback and asked him to go on. Brad said, “Do you remember when we explored the concept of the ‘Three Yous’?”. I asked him to remind me. “Well, 

1. The first you is the Spiritual You. It’s the real you. It’s my spirit engaged in a human experience through me. 
2. The second you is the Adult You. It’s the person on the other end of this phone right now who is very capable of taking care of me, my life and career, and those around me that I care and love. 
3. The third you, is the Child You. It’s my little boy, Bradley, who agreed to so many things so long ago when I was growing up that are both helpful and not so helpful now as an adult.  My Child is constantly telling me that I should do this, I shouldn’t do that, I’m not tall enough, smart enough.

My child is at times anxious about the future, fearful about what is happening in the moment, sad at times, and sometimes in shame. As a result the little boy in me tends to get in the way of my making important changes and tries to keep things the way they are. By the way, my Child also gets excited, is playful, as well as adventurous.

 I love this he said. The thing I’ve learned from my coaching is that only I can take care of him when he gets concerned. By going quickly inside myself when my Child is trying to take over and interfere, I’ve learned how to tell him what he most wants to hear. How much I love him that I’ll protect him, and that he doesn’t have to worry about me. He is encouraged to leave things in my very capable hands and go play and enjoy himself while I take care of business. This seems to quickly reduce much of my anxiousness and stress, and allows me to move powerfully forward with the life or job challenge I might be facing in the moment. Yes, I now make sure that I, my Adult self, manages my relationships, and not my Child.”

“I got it” was my response. But what has that to do with your current relationship?” Brad put it very eloquently by stating, “My Child had taken over my personal relationship because he was afraid of being abandoned again!” Assertively, he then declared, “As of this evening, I’m going to share with my girlfriend what I just discovered about myself and let her know that she will be dealing with my Adult from here on in!” Well the bottom line was that he did just that and they’ve now been happily married for a number of years. He has exceeded all the possibilities he created-personally and professionally! I’ve found variations of the foregoing situation with other clients, particularly those operating within organizations.

These organizational relationships include bosses, peers, subordinates and others inside and outside the organization. It might explain in part why people derail in their organizational and personal relationships. Is this something you’ve run into? What’s been your experience? How has this shown up for you? Do you observe this phenomenon showing up in those around you? We would enjoy hearing what your thoughts and feelings are about this? What are your thoughts? What would you like to do with this insight?

Two senior associates, Debbie Robbins and Frank Wagner recently published the following superb article in the Huffington Post that I believe you will find both interesting and intriquing titled ‘It Takes Human Contact to Create Success’. Enjoy.

If you made a list today of your top 25 business relationships and asked yourself, “How much full-on human contact have I had with these people this year?” we (Frank Wagner and I — Frank is also a top leadership and executive coach, an expert on leadership behavior) think you’d be shocked to discover that 95 percent of it may be solely digital: e-mail, Facebook, texting or Twitter. Frank and I have stopped tweeting each other the number of times weekly we beg our clients to simply pick up the phone! We recently sat at a business dinner where, despite the opportunity for unimpeded face time, the two executives at the heads of the table were texting one another while we ate!

Up until 1990 the phone was the equivalent of e-mail, and CEOs were always telling their employees to hang up and have meetings. Now it’s a win to get to voice contact. What’s so powerful about full-on human contact is that it engages all aspects of our ability to access information and make informed decisions. Most meet-ups will include writing, reading, seeing, hearing, speaking and doing. 

Yes, technology has expanded our network of relationships. People brag about how many friends they have on Facebook or the size of their network on LinkedIn. Yes, technology has expanded our capacity to communicate in writing. Twitter has made communication almost ubiquitous and omnipresent. Yes, technology allows our thoughts to be transmitted instantaneously at the speed of our wireless networks. It’s easy. It’s seemingly efficient. That is the good news. 

The not-so-good news is that the side effect of all this technology is the loss of genuine connectedness. As humans we have always found in-person interaction meaningful, rich and complex. Face-to-face relationship-building also deflects the possibility for miscommunications and misunderstandings. With less physical data to interpret because of the heavy use of digital communication, more and more problems are arising between colleagues and consumers. 

Psychology Today did a great piece about a social psychologist and Northwestern University law professor named Janice Nadler, who paired Northwestern law students with those from Duke University and asked each pair to agree on the purchase of a car:

Researchers instructed each team to bargain entirely through e-mail, but half the subjects were secretly told to precede the negotiation with a brief getting-to-know-you chat on the phone. The results were dramatic: Negotiators who first chatted by phone were more than four times likelier to reach an agreement than those who used only e-mail. In the study, which appeared in the Harvard Negotiation Law Review, subjects who never spoke were not only more likely to hit an impasse, but they often felt resentful and angry about the negotiation.

Our personal favorite is the famous New Yorker cartoon that shows a dog sitting on a chair in front of a computer. He turns to his doggie friend sitting on the floor and says: “On the internet, no one knows you’re a dog.”

Be honest — electronically, you do not really know who the person is on the other end of your digital exchange. You can’t hear their voice, which is robust with clues. You don’t know how they are receiving your words or even when they are getting your message in physical-time reality. You can’t assess their body language or observe their responses. The sense of professional “intimacy” we depend on is, at best, only utilizing 10 percent of our communication cues, tools and competencies. The more we rely on e-mail, Facebook, Twitter and texting as our primary ways of communicating, the less likely we are to be known by those with whom we are interdependent for our success.

What to do:

1. Assess who is important to you in your professional life, those people with whom you will need a relationship strong enough to weather any storm. 
2. Consciously monitor how much e-mailing, texting or tweeting you rely on for building these relationships.
3. Make sure that at least once a month you either speak with these people by phone or see them in person! The latter is better, even if it entails travel.
4. When you do connect in person, leave enough time to communicate in greater depth so that it really strengthens your relationship. Enjoy yourself when you get this chance to be up close and personal (it is contagious).
5. When you are in human contact, keep any electronic devices far enough removed so that these devices do not interfere with the conversation. Even the slightest eye movement to see who is texting, e-mailing, etc. gives the other person the impression that someone else is more important to you.
6. Find media-free time each week to counter your addiction to staying connected online. You will probably find out you like it.
7. Stay vigilant in your efforts; technology is amazing, but it is also seductive.

When babies aren’t physically touched, they develop severe emotional challenges. E-mail does not qualify as touching, even if your fingers are on your computer or mobile key pad.

We would enjoy hearing your observations and insights. In the meantime, take care!

These are whitewater economic times and the job market is certainly reflective of this. Many executives are either out on the street looking for work or anticipating to one degree or another that very possibility. My client Ross, a former executive with a large international bank, just happen to be in the job search campaign mode himself . “So, what is it that I really need to pay attention to when I’m provided job search referrals to follow up on as I engage in my strategic networking?” he asked.

“What’s the purpose of your networking”, I inquired. “Simple, I want to get out there, meet as many people as possible and dig up hidden job opportunities. Essentially accelerate my transition into a new job . . . one that will be a good fit. I don’t want to rely on the formal job market where I’m competing directly with everyone else!”, Ross responded.

“Well, how we take a few minutes to brainstorm some ideas around this?” I put forward. “I’m game!”, Ross quickly responded. After a twenty minute exchange, the following sums up what ` we created.

• Be highly proactive in following up and contacting referrals from your colleagues, friends, family, etc. . . . don’t delay
• Research the organizations and the persons you’ve been referred to . . . very thoroughly
• Develop and ask powerful questions based on your research
• Listen very carefully to both what each contact says as well as their non-verbals
• If appropriate, ask for permission prior to taking any notes . . . review them shortly after and deepen your learning 
• Develop a standard referral meeting assessment document to identify take-aways, insights, and any activity needing follow-up
• Remember each of your contacts’ time is valuable and limited . . . fully respect this
• Don’t hesitate to request additional referrals each and every time you engage each referred contact . . . make this a regular practice
• It’s critical to thank each contact at the end of your information referral meeting and express your sincere appreciation
• Immediately follow up with a written note, email . . . this is a MUST 
• Note that what is shared with you by the contact is always held in complete confidence
• Always secure a contact’s permission to use that contact as a future reference as you proceed with your strategic networking 

Ross did a super job in contributing to the creation of the foregoing list. Certainly a testament to his commitment to accelerating the success of his job search campaign. If you would like to add to this list, both Ross and I would be most interested in hearing your suggestions.

“Well, I guess if I get some 360 feedback that will help address some of the leadership challenges I’ve been experiencing.”, said Eduardo, a Senior Vice-President with a major EPC (engineering-procurement-construction) corporation . “I think it would be a good start Ed. However, 360 feedback is where the rubber hits the sky. Feedforward is where the rubber hits the ground.”, I responded.

“So what is feedforward?”, Eduardo inquired. “Well, it’s essentially getting suggestions from those impacted by your leadership, your stakeholders, around what it is you can start, stop and/or continue doing . . . what it is you could change . . .  about your leadership behavior that would help them do their work more effectively and fundamentally enhance their overall contribution. Does that make sense?” I asked. Eduardo’s responded, “Absolutely! However, if I did get feedforward from my stakeholders as you put it, how would I know if I’m being successful when doing it?”

“What I offer comes from our collective experience of coaching executives and leaders worldwide, and it is also  based on the research , findings and experience of one of the world’s leading management and leadership thinkers and his associates, Marshall Goldsmith. Keep these basic key points in mind if you want to engage in a successful stakeholder centered leadership coaching initiative. Of course there’s more involved, but these will get you going in the right direction.”

• Choose the behavior you want to improve – improve the leadership behavior that is important to you and be confident that you will indeed improve
• Truly want stakeholder input – pay undivided attention to and  geniunely hear your stakeholders’ messages/gifts
• Appreciate the feedback/feedforward –  take your stakeholders’ input seriously, be willing to respond to the input they provide and take the opportunity to reflect on what it is you are hearing
• Don’t give in to superstition of “negative” self talk - do a levelheaded cost-benefit analysis and commit with a decision on what leadership behavior you  truly want to develop
• Appreciate the help from all your stakeholders - commit to improve and, again, be confident you will improve
• Actively work on what you commit to improve - make every attempt to demonstrate your success and try to reduce the likelihood of a return to your old habits
• Eagerly gain your stakeholders’ insights - actually learn from their experience of you and focus on producing related measureable results

With the support of a highly experienced senior executive coach and confidante to partner with throughout the stakeholder centered leadership coaching process, success and fulfillment is well within reach, not to mentioned the strategic advantage created for your organization.

Thank you for taking a few minutes to read this. What specific leadership behaviors do your people need from you in order for them to be more powerful contributors? I would enjoy hearing any of your thoughts and feelings on this subject? Take care.

Here’s a gift of 5 actions you can start right now in service of strengthening your Leadership capabilities!

1. Build greater trust. You do this by ensuring that you follow up when you say you will. Lack of follow up, putting promises on the back burner because your busyness is the priority, or dismissing the promise to follow up as not really that important can dramatically erode trust. Instead of espousing intentions to follow up, commit to doing so and DO IT, whether you are managing up or down.
2. Put on your big set of listening ears. People want to be listened to, they want to know that you care. Practice harnessing your energy that hungrily wants to take over every conversation and anxiously move things into action. Just decompress for a moment a really listen to your staff, customers, peers, team members . . . hell, even your boss. If you want to develop high contributors, they need space to be heard and acknowledged . . . by you!
3. Increase your self-awareness. How are you showing up for others as a leader? Don’t know! Contact your Human Resources people, Organization Development professionals or your RWBA executive coach to be in service of your finding out what processes, instruments or other support might be available to help you understand yourself better and leverage that knowledge into stronger top and bottom lines!
4. Be a better relationship builder. Vertically, horizontally, and diagonally . . . throughout the organization.
5. Model great leadership to others. You’ve got to walk the talk. Your direct and indirect reports emulate the leadership that they experience with you. Are you proud of everything that you do? If you had to pick one leadership behavior to work on, what would that be? How can you assure you can successfully change that behavior?

Most importantly, have fun with these thoughts and enjoy yourself!