In a recent blog titled ‘Negative Feedback Is Disengaging and Demotivating to Talent’ by Ken Nowack, he quoted Bill Walsh’s observation that “Nothing is more effective than sincere, accurate praise, and nothing is more lame than a cookie-cutter compliment”. Ken’s blog was so profound that he was kind enough to give us permission to share it with you. Enjoy!

“What would you say to someone if you knew that your honest feedback to a person could influence and motivate this individual to make or not to make a $3 million gift or donation to a charity or non-profit organization?

Would you be brutally honest and share your opinion that the person has a long pattern of being a “competent jerk” and really needs to change their interpersonal approach with others or would you be politically correct and just assume your feedback really won’t make a difference in changing their leadership style? It is also possible that if the person feels overly criticized that they might be unwilling to “give back” to the organization in the form of a monetary gift.

Ahh…the dilemma of feedback!

Just how honest and candid should one be in giving feedback to others?

One question that comes up from raters in 360-degree feedback processes is whether they can be “totally honest” in completing the online questionnaires1. I’m sure in the back of their minds they are also questioning just how much this feedback will really make a difference.

As a vendor of 360-degree feedback assessments it’s not atypical on any multi-rater project to get at least one participant or rater contacting us and asking just how “anonymous” and confidential their feedback will be. We try to explain that leaders don’t typically wake up each morning and spontaneously try out new behaviors and change for the sake of change.

We try to assure raters their comments and ratings will be bundled with others who have been invited by their leader for feedback and that without taking a risk to share their observations, suggestions and feedback what they will see is basically more of the same. We can actually confirm by watching our assessment administration system that some of the less paranoid hang up and complete the online questionnaires and the others choose not to.

Why do Some Raters Decide Not to Provide Feedback?

1. Some raters don’t believe that leaders will change anyway (it doesn’t matter if the cause is motivation or ability-the outcome is the same)
2. Some raters are justified in not participating knowing that their boss will actually try hard to identify them and if successful will punish them for their candor
3. Some raters lack confidence about anonymity and confidentiality and don’t trust the 360-feedback process
4. Some raters don’t ever get any follow up after they share feedback from so they see it as a waste of their time

Not long ago, the past chancellor of the University of Nevada, Reno (UNR), said he and his family would no longer be considering donating a $3 million gift to the school when he planned on retiring after a regent’s negative comments in his job performance evaluation (this probably is another story my old UCLA dissertation chair, Samuel Culbert who is critical particularly of performance reviews would love!).

In a written evaluation by one of the regents who had a role to provide appraisal comments to the Chancellor, this regent wrote that the Chancellor’s claims of being “totally honest and known for his integrity” were false. The regent went on to write about the Chancellor that “he is known primarily as a self-absorbed, self-indulgent bully and tyrant, given to rashly going off at little or no provocation.”

Feedback, whether oral or written, can be either motivating or disengaging. In almost all 360-degree feedback assessments, there is a section for “open ended” questions that are typically reported back to participants verbatim. One dilemma in coaching when using 360-degree feedback is how to handle a situation in which the majority of written comments by raters are particularly skewed towards being critical, negative and judgmental. Ethically, what should you do knowing that the reaction on the part of your client might be received negatively?

Smither and Walker (2004) analyzed the impact of upward feedback ratings as well as narrative comments over a one-year period for 176 managers2. They found that those who received a small number of unfavorable behaviorally based comments improved more than other managers but those who received a large number (relative to positive comments) significantly declined in performance more than other managers. These individuals were more disengaged and emotionally upset as a result of the 360-degree feedback process.

Newer neuroscience research sheds some interesting light on “why” perceived negative feedback is potentially emotionally harmful. Recent studies confirm that emotional hurt and rejection, whether part of social interactions (or poorly designed and delivered feedback interventions) can actually trigger the same neurophysiologic pathways associated with physical pain and suffering3.

As George Carlin once said, “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy”…..Be well….”

To view Ken’s original blog and supporting references, go to Envisia Learning. Thank you for allowing us to publish this Ken. What are your thoughts and feelings on the foregoing? Your experience? We would love to hear from you!

Susan Robinson, CEO, IRLY DISTRIBUTORS LTD., (center) with Ron Short and Jan Johnson, Principals of Learning In Action (Leaders in the field of EQ)

In a recent edition of BLUEPRINTS, an internal publication of IRLY DISTRIBUTORS LTD., a leading Canadian materials distribution firm, their CEO, Susan Robinson, shared her executive leadership team’s (ELT) year-long coaching experience with all of their members and employees. Susan and her high performance ELT were kind enough to also allow us to  share this article with you.

“In 2010 we spent time and energy on group coaching. We formed an executive leadership team and made an effort to work together better than we had in the past. We had players that had been with our company a long time and others that were new to the business. Overall, we reached to achieve a more collaborative style, not only with our customers and our teams, but with each other.

The group coaching we engaged in was lead by our executive coach, Bob Benwick. Bob lead us through an assessment piece where we evaluated ourselves in five areas. Using Lencioni’s “The 5 Dysfunctions of a Team” we answered questions which gauged our effectiveness together in the following areas: Trust, Commitment, Conflict, Accountability, and Results.

We also engaged in extensive exercises to build trust between us, assess our commitment to each other, assess our conflict styles, define our accountability and understand what results we want to achieve together.

If you are interested in executive coaching or group coaching, Bob was a great resource for us. He is a Master Executive Coach & Confidante. You can reach him at bob@rwbenwick.com, and his website is www.rwbenwick.com . Bob is also a Professor at Kwantlen Polytechnic University, School of Business, Business Management Department.”

We would enjoy hearing your own experience of team and group coaching . . . the good, the bad and the ugly. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

As a global executive coaching practice we partner with leaders at all levels and disciplines in a wide array of global private and public sector organizations. Part of that coaching with our corporate clients more often than not touches on why they get stuck in certain perspectives and let their ‘Child’ run the show vs. being in ‘Adult’, self-managing and objectively taking care of business.

It typically surfaces as a ‘blinding glimpse of the obvious’ when they discover dichotomy for themselves. It’s typically a life, career and leadership changer when they do make this breakthrough. They learn their ‘Child’ also has a very positive side . . . . playful, laughter, fun, vitality, energy, compassion, caring etc. . . . as well as a negative side . . . judgmental (of themselves and others around them), anger, fear, shame, anxiety, sadness, etc.

We recently caught the following country music video on television that really captured the origins of what the child and what we agree  to early in their lives and becomes programmed when we leave home and create our own lives and careers (in this video more of the positive aspects). To this end, we trust you too will enjoy this music video as much as we. So turn up your sound, listen carefully to a great young country star Chris Young to the lyrics and be prepared to tap your cowboyski toes : ! 

We would love to hear your reactions to these comments and Chris Young’s song. Have a great day!

The following is the first blog Bev and I wrote a few years ago. Because this particular concept is explored with so many of our global executive coaching clients we decided to republish it because of the demand. When the opportunity invites itself to introduce this concept to our executive coaching clients the reaction is initially and understandably skeptical. Then within a very short period of time we typically hear the following feedback: “The 3 Yous’ has literally, substantively and positively changed my professional and personal life! I just wish I had of known this years ago. It would have saved me a lot of personal pain & anguish, not to mention that of my people . . . and my family.” Enjoy the read.

Brad had come a very long way. He had bottomed out as a result of losing his senior leadership position with a large corporation, navigated through a difficult divorce, and depleted most of his hard earned resources. Through shear determination, persistence and hard work throughout our executive coaching, he was able to replenish his burned through assets and reestablish himself in an even more successful and fulfilling career. Brad had achieved the ability to powerfully connect with and truly accept himself. This also contributed dramatically to doing the same with others in his life and in his new leadership role. He discovered his true purpose in life and built the confidence required to address the challenges that will present themselves in the next phase of his personal and professional journey.

In one of our weekly executive coaching calls Brad exclaimed, “You know Bob, I’m now ready to explore a relationship with someone special in my life and I’m not sure what the next steps are. Can we go there now?” What we ended up doing was to work through clarifying what that special lady would be like when she showed up in his life. Having accomplished this, Brad shared that “this was a great exercise to go through, but how and where do I find her?” We discussed this at length, and then I said, “What if you now put this on the backburner for the time being and get on with the life and career you’ve now created.” At first his response was incredulous, and asked “Why did I do all this work to just put it aside.” My instinctive response was, “trust me my friend, that special lady will show up and tap you on the shoulder when you absolutely least expect it.”

I simply trusted my intuition. Because of the deep relationship we had developed during our coaching relationship, he agreed and carried on with his other work and personal priorities. Guess what? Just as you would have expected, he literally bumped into her 3 months later at a social event. In one of our calls at the time, he showed up completely energized, exuberant, over the moon, saying . . . . “She showed up and she’s exactly what I’ve been looking for.”  But! Isn’t there always abut involved? Four months into their relationship Brad showed up on a coaching call and was clearly not his normal upbeat self. With some delicate probing, he shared that “my girlfriend and I had been discussing where they might go out for dinner the previous evening. I asked her where she wanted to go. She then asked me where I wanted to go. I said anywhere where you want to go. Then she blew up at me dumped all over me, accusing me of not ever stating my own preferences.”

He went on to say, “I’m not sure this is going to really work out (between us)!” This was toward the end of our call where I typically leave my clients with an inquiry-a powerful question-for them to explore and write their thoughts down to be shared at our next scheduled coaching session. For Brad the inquiry I left was “What’s in the fear my friend?” I simply trusted my intuition and blurted it out. He found this question viscerally intriguing and agreed to work with it. Our follow up meeting was amazing for both Brad and me (I am constantly learning from my clients). I asked Brad, “So let’s visit the answer to the inquiry I left you.” He very calmly and confidently said that “The inquiry turned my life around.”

Now I was actually taken aback and asked him to go on. Brad said, “Do you remember when we explored the concept of the ‘Three Yous’?”. I asked him to remind me. “Well, 

1. The first you is the Spiritual You. It’s the real you. It’s my spirit engaged in a human experience through me. 
2. The second you is the Adult You. It’s the person on the other end of this phone right now who is very capable of taking care of me, my life and career, and those around me that I care and love. 
3. The third you, is the Child You. It’s my little boy, Bradley, who agreed to so many things so long ago when I was growing up that are both helpful and not so helpful now as an adult.  My Child is constantly telling me that I should do this, I shouldn’t do that, I’m not tall enough, smart enough.

My child is at times anxious about the future, fearful about what is happening in the moment, sad at times, and sometimes in shame. As a result the little boy in me tends to get in the way of my making important changes and tries to keep things the way they are. By the way, my Child also gets excited, is playful, as well as adventurous.

 I love this he said. The thing I’ve learned from my coaching is that only I can take care of him when he gets concerned. By going quickly inside myself when my Child is trying to take over and interfere, I’ve learned how to tell him what he most wants to hear. How much I love him that I’ll protect him, and that he doesn’t have to worry about me. He is encouraged to leave things in my very capable hands and go play and enjoy himself while I take care of business. This seems to quickly reduce much of my anxiousness and stress, and allows me to move powerfully forward with the life or job challenge I might be facing in the moment. Yes, I now make sure that I, my Adult self, manages my relationships, and not my Child.”

“I got it” was my response. But what has that to do with your current relationship?” Brad put it very eloquently by stating, “My Child had taken over my personal relationship because he was afraid of being abandoned again!” Assertively, he then declared, “As of this evening, I’m going to share with my girlfriend what I just discovered about myself and let her know that she will be dealing with my Adult from here on in!” Well the bottom line was that he did just that and they’ve now been happily married for a number of years. He has exceeded all the possibilities he created-personally and professionally! I’ve found variations of the foregoing situation with other clients, particularly those operating within organizations.

These organizational relationships include bosses, peers, subordinates and others inside and outside the organization. It might explain in part why people derail in their organizational and personal relationships. Is this something you’ve run into? What’s been your experience? How has this shown up for you? Do you observe this phenomenon showing up in those around you? We would enjoy hearing what your thoughts and feelings are about this? What are your thoughts? What would you like to do with this insight?