“I really don’t like doing it!” claimed Frank, the Senior Vice President, Business Development with a large corporate leader in the energy business. “Doing what?” I asked. “Control. I hate finding myself in the position to have to control my direct reports. It just doesn’t feel right.”

“So what do you want to do?” was my response. “There must be some other way!” Frank said in frustration (always a green light for my executive coaching). “Do you remember when we talked about the four key components of management a few weeks ago?” I inquired. “Yeah, I do” stated Frank. “So what were they?” I followed up.

“Well, if I can remember the first was good old planning. Then, I believe the next was getting organized around supporting the plan. Oh yeah, next was leading. This is about truly caring and creating the environment for my troops so that they become more motivated to make it all successfully happen, thus driving up their work effort resulting in high quality performance . The last component was about control. OK, now I remember, it’s about controlling the plan, not my people. I know you really emphasized this last piece when we previously discussed this. Man, I’ve got to really get this into the marrow of my leadership bones. It’s about controlling the plan and motivating my people!”

“Great on you my friend for getting this clear. Around the motivating piece, here’s a small gift that might help you. As I’ve said many times in our past coaching conversations, you can either keep it or throw it in the garbage. I’m never attached to gifts given to you. This particular one has worked well for both myself and many of my executive clients. By the way, I’ve been unable to identify who the author of this is, but here it goes.” 

HEALTHY CARING IS  

I can listen to you without interrupting

Because I am in a working relationship with you, I choose to listen to you and see how my behavior impacts you  

I will not control and manipulate you to get what I want

I will not punish you for saying “no” to me  

I will not fear your rejection. I understand that “no” to me is a “yes” to you. I truly care about you. I want you to take care of yourself  

If you end up leaving our group . . . the organization . . . I will experience definite discomfort and I know that I, we, can still be satisfied here without your valued support 

I will not ask you to give up who you are to be cared by me

Your security, satisfaction and development will be as important to me as my security, satisfaction and development

I will not try to take away your feelings or rob you of them so I can be comfortable

So there you have it dear reader, all of us are continually in choice as to how we relate! So what was the blinding glimpse of the obvious for you, your team, your organization in the above? I would love to hear your thoughts and gain your perspective. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

The name of the fellow you see above is Beau, Beau Benwick. He had what Jim Collins referred to as unwavering resolve. We treated him like a son. Beau came into our life when we had lost a previous rescue Brittany Spaniel, CeCe. Within a few months of CeCe passing away, Bev (my wife and CEO of our global executive coaching firm) had gone onto the American Brittany Rescue Association website and shortly thereafter said, “I’m flying down to Chicago on business and while there I’ll be putting our new rescue dog daughter, Honey, on the first plane to Seattle and please arrange to drive down and pick her up.” I dutifully, yet quite excitedly, said, “Absolutely!” Within two weeks of that, Bev said “Would you also arrange to drive down to Sacramento and pick up our new rescue dog son, Beau?” This was about 8 years ago and they would be our first pair of Rescue Brittanys being brought to their ‘forever home’. 

The foregoing is just setting the stage for the wonderful story to come. Both Beau and Honey settled in very quickly and were showered with love and every amenity any human being could wish for. Although Honey came from a good home and background, Beau came to us as an abused, rough and tumble character that never went around anything, but through it. He was a stoic fellow who never whined, but simply took what life handed out. He had a powerful and quiet strength about him. Both he and Honey became very, very close to Bev, who has an extensive equine background. She has this magic around animals that when they see her, they will come considerable distances just to be near her. It’s actually quite amazing to observe.

Now back to Beau. About two and a half years ago Bev began her Master in Leadership degree at Royal Roads University, Victoria, BC. She took this task on with huge gusto and worked on squeezing every ounce of learning she could out of the experience. What I’m trying to say is that she studied 24-7 for two plus years. Once she started on her thesis project, she literally lived in her second story office in our home. Always with her was Beau, lying at her feet on a sheepskin rug under her desk and computer. 

It was soon after Bev started working on her degree that we noticed Beau was experiencing physical difficulties. He was immediately taken to the vet, who after taking a number of x-rays, shared that Beau had cancer and would probably not live for another month. A complete shock to us and heart rending! As is her way, Bev then pulled out all the stops and had Beau provided with every traditional and non-traditional healing alternative available. This included bringing in an ‘animal psychic’ by the name of Jerry, who has since become a dear friend. After being introduced to Beau, Jerry started to work with him with great intensity. It was in one of the early sessions that Jerry told Bev and I that Beau shared with him that he was not prepared to move on until Bev had completed her ‘work’, meaning her studies. It was about being there for her, supporting and protecting her because he had strongly picked up on her increased stress levels. This went completely in the face of his prognosis.

Through the good and bad they were both there for each other. They were absolutely inseparable. It wasn’t unusual for me to get up in the wee hours of the morning on any night of the week and see Bev working hard in her office with Beau at her feet. He never left her. Bev rarely left her office other than to deliver on her executive coaching commitments, eat and get ‘some’ sleep.

Two years after Beau’s prognosis, Bev completed her exceptionally lengthy thesis and pushed the button on her computer with an enormous sigh of relief and a declaration that “It’s finally done!” It was the very next day Beau passed away, March 24th, 2008. It would be an understatement to say his passing was enormous. The lessons learned from this wonderful ‘being’ called Beau Benwick were monumental. In his way, Beau was a wonderful teacher and leader to the both of us.

So, in line with our blog site theme, I believe that Jim Collins, in his influential book Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap . . . and Others Don’t, really captured the qualities of this amazing being who came into our lives and changed us forever . . . and for so much the better. The five attributes that Jim Collins claims typify a Level 5 Leader, were completely aligned with who Beau Benwick was:

1. Self-Confident Enough To Set Up Their Successors For Success – Beau did this in spades for Bev. 

2. Humble and Modest - never did Beau complain during the cancer that eventually wracked his body, but always showed enormous strength in a quiet, loving and caring manner as he supported Bev.

3. Have “Unwavering Resolve” – Beau made it clear the two years previously that he would never abandon Bev, would unwaveringly support and protect her until she had ‘completed climbing her mountain’. 

4. Display a “Workmanlike Diligence” - more plow horse than show horse, this was Beau through and through; nothing deterred him from being at Bev’s side in his quiet, powerful manner.

5. Give Credit to Others for Their Success and Take Full Responsibility For Poor Results - Beau was solely there for Bev, expected nothing but kindness and love in return no matter what the result of Bev’s academic efforts were. She was his hero regardless of the outcome. (By the way she received rave reviews from her Academic Advisor on her final thesis report).

Well that was our Beau. He left an enormous hole in our lives. When he passed away, Honey, who was at the peak of health at the time, quickly deteriorated from his passing and absence and she too passed away three months later. Bev and I simply could not stand the vacuum created in our lives by their loss. Bev got back in touch with the American Brittany Rescue Association and last June and July, 2008, I was instructed to drive to Montana and to pick up ‘Woody’ a five year old male Brittany love machine, and ‘Skya’, a seven your old female Brittany sweetheart who had been rescued from a ‘Kill Shelter’ a month prior (see YouTube). She’s another story because she actually named herself with Jerry’s help. If interested, I would be happy to share this story with you as well.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this little tale. It’s been cathartic for me and I thank you for your indulgence. I admired Beau and learned a lot from his quiet strength and unwavering resolve. I would enjoy hearing about similar experiences. Just go to ‘comments’ below and have at it. Have a great day!

Recently I had the opportunity to lunch and celebrate the New Year with a former professor of mine, Marilyn Hamilton, whom I met while doing my graduate work. I have  enormous respect for Marilyn and realized I was absolutely pumped following our lunch together. She has become a very special person in my life and a valued ‘advisor’.

Following two years of hard work Marilyn recently completed and published an intriguing book! She enthusiastically shared her exciting research encompassing a ‘whole system view’ of creating productive cities that had enormous potential for addressing the diverse needs of the today’s diverse populations. The result was publication of an exceptionally worthy and forward thinking book entitled ‘Integral Cities, Evolutionary Intelligences for the Human Hive’ . Powerfully aligned with the field of urban studies, Marilyn mentioned, “It’s been extremely interesting to hear the many unsolicited and exciting responses to my book and how its application and meaning have actually extended far beyond what my intent had initially been” (listen Marilyn.)

I’ve read with delight an interview that Marilyn had engaged in while promoting her book. It was obvious from the content of the interview that the application of her model was totally applicable to a diversity of today’s public and private sector organizations. Using two of her favorite expressions, Marilyn and I engaged in our rich conversation around conformity enforcers and diversity generators. What great terms! She had been able to capture the blinding glimpse of the obvious around how readily the bee community and their various roles truly show up in all organizations.

Marilyn made note of the fact that the energy of conformity enforcers, that she claims make up 90 % of a hive community, quickly diminishes over the course of each season as the bees gather resources from the same flower patch. She explained that the inner judges of a hive, measure the return and withhold and/or reallocate limited and precious fuel as pollen amounts decrease. Adjusting the budget mid-stream so to speak? She went on to explain that as the conformity enforcers eventually accept the need to change, they make the necessary shift to new resources and adjust to the new findings of the diversity generators….a new flower patch. The outcome for the hive……. new found energy!  The roles of both the conformity enforcers and diversity generators are vital to the survival of the hive….and to any business community for that matter!  Presto, explaining the behavior of many an organization in today’s world of white water change and transition.

I’ve found the ‘hive’ metaphor an exciting prism to view organizational leadership from with huge possibilities for further exploration and study. Clearly, bees must be doing something right to coexist in a container the size of my shoulder bag and yet readily adapt to change!

How readily do the conformity enforcers in your organization embrace the work of your diversity generators? How critical in today’s world is the role of diversity generators who hold enormous potential for revitalizing the energy of others in each and every organization trying to survive and prosper? I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings. Go for it!

Kevin an executive who struggled with his boss relationships approached me feeling that executive coaching might be in service of him successfully addressing this concern. His values were clearly in opposition to those of his previous Senior Vice President. He characterized their relationship as “frosty” at its best. He said in our initial meeting, “I’ve spent a lot of time looking for ways to minimize my contact with my boss as a way to reduce my stress. What I’ve found is that my doing this has actually increased it to levels that I think are unhealthy for me.” It was clear from our discussion that his distancing of their relationship had increased his internal chatter to all time high and his assumptions had run rampant.

Fortunately, it was fortuitous for Kevin that a new Senior Vice President was hired while he and I were in the early stages of our executive coaching. He now had a great opportunity to build a strong new working relationship. Yet Kevin’s anxiety still remained and appeared to be in control of his thinking. He was engaged in making more assumptions about what this new working relationship might look like. His feelings were starting to take on a familiar pattern. In fact, Kevin shared, “My ability to ‘manage up’ is quite frankly being held back by my low feelings of confidence.” At the time, I asked him a number of intuitively driven questions, “Who do you give your power away to? What are some of the triggers for you? What has been the cost of this to you, your career?; and What is your contribution to your perceived lack of quality of the relationship with your bosses?”

Kevin’s reflection on these questions uncovered a number of candid comments. “It’s clear that I’ve wrestled with authority figures in my life, and quite honestly I’ve come to the blinding glimpse of the obvious that I’ve got to change this perception before it creates more damage to my life and my career! I now truly realize just how much this has held me back, not only at work but in other parts of my life. I’ve made choices that have created major obstacles to my being able to rise to more senior leadership levels.” This took enormous courage to put out there, but had to be done before Kevin could powerfully move forward. Kevin’s dissatisfaction level with his current state of affairs was what was absolutely needed for change to take place ‘within’, and eventually ‘outside’. He was now ready to make powerful movement. I asked him “What’s would your ideal-preferred-relationship with your new boss look like?” Working with this question, he got very clear on what that would be. We coached around this at great depth, and the result was his setting up a series of meetings with the new Senior Vice President where they would discuss the current business situation, expectations, resource requirements, leadership styles, and Kevin’s professional development. This established a solid foundation for how they needed to work effectively together.

Anxiety, a powerful and future oriented emotion that is always there to one degree or another, still remained with Kevin as the first meeting approached. As he said in one of our calls, “I’m still sweating bullets and would like to be coached around managing my anxiety so that it serves me positively and does not get in my way.” We coached around that with the objective of ensuring that he had ‘just enough anxiety’ to bring out the best in him, but not so much as to interfere. With this, Kevin created his own “game plan” for the first meeting, a practical approach that he could take to assure meeting success, learn from the experience, and leverage this and future meetings into a deep and enduring working relationship.

To this end I asked Kevin, “try to think about what it would be like to ‘partner’ with your new boss?’ Languaging here was critical for him to begin thinking very differently about this new relationship. In our following executive coaching sessions Kevin and I co-created a number of talking points to pursue. He recapped, “I want to:

• “ Explore the current business situation and gain an understanding of my boss’s diagnosis of what is in front of us; ensure that our conversation completes with a shared understanding where the business is really at today;
• Agree to those expectations that are critical to our success as partners in the business we face, and ensure clarity and understanding of expectations in our relationship, our respective roles, and negotiate where needed; “ Candidly discuss our individual and collective working styles; What we need to do to overcome any differences that will no doubt arise, and frankly discuss how we prefer to communicate with each other;
• Agree on what resources I’ll need to successfully deliver on the deliverables we agree on; what changes in this regard, if any, that need to be initiated; and how my new boss will support the resources need; and
•  Share and agree on the focus of my personal/professional development required to deliver on the foregoing and gain his full support.”

Once this was achieved, Kevin bottom lined it, “I’ve now got a real plan and for the first time feel I’m on top of things.” He was supported in our coaching with sincere acknowledgment of what he had achieved thus far and was championed-I knew he could do it, do it well and told him so in no uncertain terms.. AND IT WAS! Kevin was amazed at the results of the conversations with his boss. In one of our later coaching meetings he stated, “This really served to set a firm foundation for a great relationship with my boss. We are now very open in our conversations and make huge progress every time we get together, which is always a challenge given our hectic schedules. I feel like I have the power and influence I need to achieve what I’ve committed to. I continued to work on strengthening this relationship at every opportunity. WE’RE PARTNERS!”

Always the coach, I asked Kevin, “Given this experience with your boss, how does this translate to those reporting to you and your leadership?” Talk about silence-it was deafening. I could hear the wheels grinding. Oh the places he was going with this new insight on Partnering. It was now a key part of his vocabulary. He simply and very confidently said, “I’m going to invite my direct reports to have a similar series of discussions with me, and they with their direct reports! I want to have this completed by the end of the second quarter. As a matter of fact I’ll send you a summary email when its all been done.”