“I really don’t like doing it!” claimed Frank, the Senior Vice President, Business Development with a large corporate leader in the energy business. “Doing what?” I asked. “Control. I hate finding myself in the position to have to control my direct reports. It just doesn’t feel right.”

“So what do you want to do?” was my response. “There must be some other way!” Frank said in frustration (always a green light for my executive coaching). “Do you remember when we talked about the four key components of management a few weeks ago?” I inquired. “Yeah, I do” stated Frank. “So what were they?” I followed up.

“Well, if I can remember the first was good old planning. Then, I believe the next was getting organized around supporting the plan. Oh yeah, next was leading. This is about truly caring and creating the environment for my troops so that they become more motivated to make it all successfully happen, thus driving up their work effort resulting in high quality performance . The last component was about control. OK, now I remember, it’s about controlling the plan, not my people. I know you really emphasized this last piece when we previously discussed this. Man, I’ve got to really get this into the marrow of my leadership bones. It’s about controlling the plan and motivating my people!”

“Great on you my friend for getting this clear. Around the motivating piece, here’s a small gift that might help you. As I’ve said many times in our past coaching conversations, you can either keep it or throw it in the garbage. I’m never attached to gifts given to you. This particular one has worked well for both myself and many of my executive clients. By the way, I’ve been unable to identify who the author of this is, but here it goes.” 

HEALTHY CARING IS  

I can listen to you without interrupting

Because I am in a working relationship with you, I choose to listen to you and see how my behavior impacts you  

I will not control and manipulate you to get what I want

I will not punish you for saying “no” to me  

I will not fear your rejection. I understand that “no” to me is a “yes” to you. I truly care about you. I want you to take care of yourself  

If you end up leaving our group . . . the organization . . . I will experience definite discomfort and I know that I, we, can still be satisfied here without your valued support 

I will not ask you to give up who you are to be cared by me

Your security, satisfaction and development will be as important to me as my security, satisfaction and development

I will not try to take away your feelings or rob you of them so I can be comfortable

So there you have it dear reader, all of us are continually in choice as to how we relate! So what was the blinding glimpse of the obvious for you, your team, your organization in the above? I would love to hear your thoughts and gain your perspective. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

“I can’t believe those people. They just don’t get it!” was the response of my executive coaching client, Gerry, who heads up a key line of business with a leading defense contractor. I typically start off coaching conversations with a check-in question. After listening to Gerry further, I asked “So what’s in the anger my friend?” For a moment there was silence on the phone. I had learned long ago to always let silence do the heavy lifting! “Hmmm . . . , ” he expressed and then went on, “I really resent the fact that we had agreed on what had to be accomplished last week, and they haven’t even started on it. It’s simply damned unacceptable. I really feel let down. I could tear my office door off the hinges right now. I’m going into a meeting with them shortly and I think I’m going to straighten them out . . . make them new rear ends if I have to!”

“Well before you charge on in, are you game to take a few minutes to step back and take a look at what’s happening with you right now?” I asked. Gerry, to his credit had always been very open to self-exploration and said “Yeah, let’s go for it coach?” I love his honesty and candidness.

“So, if your boss was this angry with something you did or didn’t do, and stormed into a meeting with you having the same intent, how would you react?” In his typically succinct and earthy way he quickly responded, “Well I’d probably hang back, not offer much and look for an opportunity to get the hell out of there!”. “Given that, then what would you predict your people will do when you give them the old what for?” “Got it!”, he said with a bit of a snicker.

“So coach, I’d like to hear what the heck you think?” Gerry asked. “Sure. First of all, it’s not about them, it’s about you Gerry! Anger is actually a gift, not a weakness. It only becomes a weakness when this strength is taken too far. Kind of  like manure in the system that gets clogged up. Need I say more? Does that make sense?” “Completely.” Gerry responded.

“So, having said that, what’s in just enough anger for you?” I asked. “Well, for me,” Gerry shot back, “It certainly gets me up and running. Actually a source of energy. It sort of acts like a catalyst for making things happen. Come to think of it, if I become more aware of it in the moment I can actually use it to be more effective, otherwise it can get in my way. I think I prefer the former. Any thoughts on what I can do to regulate myself when the old fuse gets a tad short?”

“That’s a great question. Why don’t we take a quick moment and brainstorm some approaches?” “Ok”, Gerry said, “Maybe I should start not to sweat the small stuff as they say. Hell, if I learn how to better spot it when it shows up, I’d be better able to dial down the intensity a tad, not shoot first and figure out what I shot after the fact!”

“I love what you’ve come up with.”, I said. “You might also consider talking yourself down, for example saying to yourself, hey, this is no big deal, can I put this issue on the backburner for the time being? Perhaps I should give this some thought before I shoot. Why don’t I take  a couple of minutes to just let every muscle in my body, from my toes right up to the top of my head, just relax and decompress. You do whatever works for you.”

“So, when you do walk into the meeting after decompressing, how do you need to be?” I asked. “As opposed to what I would do?”, he responded. “Yes, exactly,” I retorted. Gerry then continued, “Probably be calm, more focused on them rather than me. I need to be honest with them in a respectful way, by sharing what my thoughts are in a fairly specific way, how I feel about it all in terms of its importance to me and what it is I think we should consider doing about it.”

“That sounds like a superb approach, but what might you do even before that?” I asked. “I think I know what you’re driving at. Rather than adversely pre-influencing them in a way that they think they’re getting my orders, it might be a hell of a lot better if I asked them collectively and individually what they thought, felt and wanted regarding the issues at hand, and then do the former. Yeah, that’d work a lot better. Probably generate a lot more information and data that would help us make much more informed decisions. Man, that’s my game plan!”

“What are some other potential payoffs of your taking this approach? I asked. “Obviously, it’ll be a heck of a lot safer place them, we’ll build more trust, they’ll feel heard, buy in will clearly go up, and the solutions we collectively come up with will  probably be a lot more effective as a result.” said Gerry.

“So what’s the take away for you my friend?” I asked in bringing our meeting to a close. “Well I guess it’s that I can use my anger in service of myself, my folks, our customers and our organization, or I can quite frankly let it control me and then blow it!” “If it is the latter,” I asked, “What might be the adverse consequences for you?” “I don’t want to even think about it . . . too scary!” Gerry concluded. “May the force be in you my friend with the upcoming meeting. I know you’ll be more than successful!” I offered.

Does your temper rise at times and get away from you?  Do you find that under stress your anger, anxiety, fear and/or shame show up a tad too quickly?  Do you even notice it?  If you do notice, what do you do with it?  I’d love to hear your insights and experiences. Take care.

I’m quite excited to share a recent newletter created by Jake Jacobs, a global leader in the field of organization development, specifically in the area of large-scale, real-time system change. It’s a pleasure to share with you his comments on ‘Collaborating to Create More Value: Leadership Coaching and Large Scale Change’. Enjoy!

“Given my focus on collaboration, I wanted to share with you one way in which my clients and I have benefited from partnering with others. I have known Bob Benwick for 15 years. We first worked together on a Real Time Strategic Change effort at a bank where he was the senior HR executive. Now he and his wife Bev have a global corporate coaching practice based out of Vancouver.

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with Bob and Bev to talk about synergies between their coaching practice and my large-scale change work.  Bob, Bev and I share the same goal: people and organizations achieving their full potential. The difference is in how we do it.  Bob and Bev (and other coaches) focus on individual leaders’ development. I (and other large-scale change consultants) focus on the overall organization’s development. When we partner, our clients get the best of both worlds.

Bob explains, “I had exposure to the RTSC approach many years ago. It helps businesses that need to turn on a dime (competitively) like the bank I worked at. It is absolutely crystal clear to me how much coaching and large-scale change complement each other.”

Bev continues, “A goal of our coaching is for leaders to bring greater depth to their relationships. Organizations that use us a lot want to make big changes and make them fast. We often get asked to help leaders work together across departments.”

It’s tough to tell whether Bev is talking about her coaching practice or my large-scale change work.

Bob adds, “We contract with leaders for a minimum of six months. There has to be serious commitment or it won’t work. Leaders (and all of us) have taken years to develop our current habits. It will take time to change them. The more people change, the easier and faster it is for the system they work in to change.”

My take on Bob’s comment: the more the system changes, the easier and faster it is for the people in it to change.

Putting leadership coaching and large-scale change together is a “win-win-win.” Leaders can make big changes happen faster – and sustain them over time. And we do a better job for them than either of us could do  alone. “

Jake Jacobs is co-founder and partner of Winds of Change Group — a consulting firm specializing in fast and lasting change.

What are your feelings about change and coaching? What intrigues you the most about Jake’s comments?  What are the possibilities?

 “What does a powerful and healthy work relationship with my staff and others really look and feel like? I want to make sure that not only do I successfully bring in the Bottom Line, but as importantly, I need to successfully produce a strong Top Line—my staffs’ and customers’ satisfaction.” I always love it when my executive clients talk to me like this. This great question led to a very rich coaching discussion where the client identified and explored some of the following blinding glimpses of the obvious that were felt to be keys to building and sustaining strong, caring, mutually satisfying and highly productive work relationships that more often than not bring in a strong Bottom Line. Based on our coaching discussion and mutual sharing of information and insights, the result for the client was that a healthy work relationship truly reflected the following:

• I can listen to you without interrupting
• Because I am in a working relationship with you, I choose to listen to you and see how my behavior impacts you
• I will not control and manipulate you to get what I want
• I will not punish you for saying “no” to me
• I will not fear your rejection. I understand that “no” to me is a “yes” to you. I care about you. I want you to take care of yourself
• If you leave us, the team, I will have definite discomfort and I know that I can be satisfied here without your continued support
• I will not ask you to give up who you are to be cared by me. Your security, satisfaction and development will be as important to me as my security, satisfaction and development 
• I will not try to take away your feelings or rob you of them so I can be comfortable
  

What’s your reaction to the foregoing? What piece resonated the most with you? What might you add to the list created? You thoughts, feelings and comments are most valued.